Mom Guilt: I'm So Tired of Hearing Moms Say "I Feel Bad"
Why do moms feel guilty about everything, even when they're the ones running on empty?
There are two words I hear in almost every therapy session with women and moms that make me want to scream.
"I feel bad."
They feel bad asking their husbands to help, leaving their kids with someone, saying no to another family obligation, spending money on themselves, or taking a break.
Some feel guilty about working, while others feel guilty about staying home. They're apologizing for losing their patience, not wanting to play with their kids, or simply wanting five freaking minutes to themselves.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, CAN WE PLEASE STOP FEELING BAD ABOUT EVERYTHING?!
As a therapist who works with overwhelmed moms, I hear an awful lot of women worrying about everyone else's feelings. But you know what I don't hear nearly enough?
People expressing the same concern for Mom. And THAT is what I want to talk about.
Why Do Moms Feel Guilty About Everything?
Many women grew up learning that being a good person meant being accommodating, helpful, understanding, and careful not to disappoint anyone.
Then motherhood comes along, and those expectations go into overdrive.
Suddenly, you're not just responsible for your own behavior. You're managing everyone else's happiness, comfort, disappointment, and emotions.
Your child is upset because you said no, so you feel guilty. Your partner seems annoyed when you ask him to handle bedtime, and now you're questioning whether you should have asked. Meanwhile, your mother wants you to visit, but you're exhausted and feeling terrible about disappointing her.
Somewhere along the way, keeping everyone else comfortable became another responsibility on Mom's already overflowing plate.
But why is everyone else's discomfort something you're expected to fix while your own is something you're supposed to tolerate?
Feeling Guilty Doesn't Mean You've Done Something Wrong
This is something I talk about constantly in therapy.
Just because you feel guilty doesn't mean you've done something wrong.
Sometimes guilt tells us we've acted against our values or hurt someone. Other times, guilt shows up because we're doing something different from what people have come to expect.
If you've spent years saying yes to everything, setting a boundary might feel incredibly uncomfortable. Your family may even push back because they're accustomed to you being available.
That discomfort doesn't automatically mean the boundary is wrong. It may simply mean the pattern is changing.
"But I Feel Bad Asking Him to Help"
This one gets me EVERY TIME.
A mom tells me she's exhausted from managing the kids, work, appointments, sports, school emails, and everything in between.
When I ask what her partner could take off her plate, she responds, "Well, I feel bad. He works hard." Okay. And?
SO DO YOU.
Whether you work outside the home, stay home with your children, or juggle both, your time and energy matter.
And while we're at it, why are we always describing a partner's participation as helping? They're his kids too. It's his house and family too.
How Mom Guilt Turns Into Burnout and Resentment
Here's what happens when guilt starts making your decisions.
You agree to things you don't have time for, avoid asking for help, overexplain your boundaries, and apologize for perfectly reasonable choices. Eventually, you're exhausted, irritated, and resentful because everyone else's comfort has become more important than your own. Then, because motherhood apparently wasn't complicated enough, you start feeling guilty about being resentful.
Now you're feeling bad about feeling bad.
Wonderful.
And here's what really bothers me - I hear moms worrying about their partners being tired, their kids feeling disappointed, their parents being lonely, and their friends getting upset.
Empathy is wonderful, but it becomes a problem when that concern only travels in one direction.
Who's noticing that Mom hasn't had a break? Who's recognizing that she's overwhelmed before she starts crying in the kitchen or finally loses her shit?
Why does she have to reach her breaking point before her well-being becomes a priority?
The Next Time You Say "I Feel Bad," Ask Yourself This
I'm not going to tell you to simply stop feeling guilty. If it were that easy, I'd be out of a job.
Instead, I want you to pause and ask yourself three questions.
Did I actually do something wrong? Consider whether you've hurt someone or whether you're simply uncomfortable because they didn't get what they wanted.
Would I judge another mom for making the same choice? If your friend wanted an afternoon away from her kids, would you think she was selfish?
Whose feelings am I considering? If everyone else's happiness matters in this decision, shouldn't yours count too?
These questions won't make mom guilt disappear overnight, but they can help you recognize when guilt is guiding your choices instead of your actual values.
Support for Overwhelmed Moms in New Jersey
If you're constantly worrying about everyone else's feelings while apologizing for having your own, this is exactly the kind of work I do at Connections Counseling & Consulting.
Through individual counseling in Matawan, NJ, and virtually throughout New Jersey, I help moms work through guilt, resentment, anxiety, boundaries, and motherhood burnout.
I also lead the F-Bomb Moms Group, a virtual, therapist-led group for New Jersey moms who want to talk honestly about the complicated, exhausting, and sometimes downright ridiculous parts of motherhood. Insurance coverage may be available depending on your plan.
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