Why Your Child Keeps Melting Down

If you’ve ever picked your child up from school only to have them fall apart the minute you get home, you’re not alone. Moms often ask me, “my child keeps melting down especially after school, what do I do?” 

Here's how to handle it without losing your. cool...

The answer might surprise you: you’re not doing anything wrong. What you’re seeing is something called after-school restraint collapse.

This isn’t a diagnosis or a sign that your child has had a rough day at school. It’s actually a normal response. All day long, kids work hard to keep it together: following rules, raising their hands, sitting still, navigating friendships. That takes an enormous amount of emotional regulation. By the time they get home, they’re exhausted. Home is their safe place, so they finally let it all out.

After-school restraint collapse can show up as:

• Emotional outbursts and melt downs

• Increased irritability

• Crying or weeping over “small things”

• Screaming or lashing out

• Refusing to cooperate with even the simplest requests

  
  

If you’ve seen your child fall apart over the wrong color cup after school, you’ve lived this.

It’s important to point out that not every after-school outburst is the same. Here’s how I explain the difference:

• Meltdowns are emotional overload. Your child is out of gas. They’re not trying to get their way, they literally can’t hold it together anymore.

• Tantrums are more purposeful. They usually happen when a child wants something and is testing limits. 

Knowing the difference matters, because how you respond will change the outcome. (for more on this, access my FREE resource on Meltdowns vs. Tantrums HERE)

As a therapist and mom of two boys, who yes, also have after school melt-downs, here is what works, what doesn’t work, and the exact advice I give to my own clients, who are moms struggling in parenting - just like you! 

What Doesn’t Work (And I’ve Tried These Too)

When your child is screaming, it’s tempting to:

• Yell louder than the chaos. (Only teaches them bigger emotions = more chaos.)

• Say “You’re too old for this.” (Shame doesn’t stop the behavior; it just buries the feeling.)

• Ignore everything, every time. (Sometimes space is okay, but consistent ignoring can make kids feel unsafe.)

  
  

I get it, these reactions happen when we’re tired and out of patience because it's hard when your child keeps melting down.

But they don’t teach our kids what to do with their big feelings or help us keep chaos out of our homes. When my child is melting down, I don’t always get it perfect, but here’s what I’ve found actually works.

• Name the feeling first

Instead of rushing to fix the situation or getting frustrated, I start by naming the feeling: “I see you’re frustrated that homework is hard right now.”

Why it works: When we label emotions, it helps calm the brain’s alarm system. This not only soothes them in the moment but also builds their emotional vocabulary. Over time, kids learn that feelings can be talked about—not just acted out.

• Stay calm yourself

This is the hardest part. When I breathe slowly, lower my voice, and ground myself, my child mirrors that energy. Kids “borrow” our nervous systems, so if I’m spiraling, they spiral too.

Why it works: Children regulate through co-regulation. Our calm presence signals to their body that they are safe, which helps them recover more quickly.

• Stay Nearby

Physically being present is often enough to allow a melt down to ride it’s way to completion. It’s not always easy, especially when you have other things to do and the sound of your kid’s meltdown is triggering, but silent physical presence is better than leaving them alone. 

Why it works: Your kid’s nervous system needs to feel safe in these moments. During a melt down, you can’t rationalize with your words (and you should keep them to a minimum - see more on that HERE), but being physically near triggers safety in their brain which will allow them to get through it more quickly. 

Here’s what I need you to hear: staying calm in these moments is so much harder than it sounds. When you’ve had a long workday, there are dishes in the sink and then your child starts screaming about math homework, it feels almost impossible not to snap.

Let’s be honest, moms have meltdowns too. I call them mom-sized meltdowns. Sometimes the stress, the noise, and the constant demands of motherhood spill over, and you lose it. That doesn’t make you a bad mom, it makes you a real one.

But for those who have experienced it, this is where mom guilt creeps in. You know yelling doesn’t help, but your patience is already thin from the nonstop demands of life. You’re not failing if you lose your cool…you’re human. 

If those moments are happening more than you’d like, it might be a sign you deserve some extra support. 

This is exactly who I help: women who are ready to share their stress instead of swallowing it, women who want a space for real talk about motherhood, marriage, and making it all work without losing themselves in the process.

I work with moms every day who feel guilty for losing their cool or exhausted from trying to “do it right.” Together, we come up with strategies that actually work, so you can feel calmer, more confident, and less alone.

Does this sound like you? 

Schedule a free consultation where we can discuss exactly what therapy will be like so you can live a life that feels better and raise your kids, even through their melt downs, with less guilt. Book Time To Talk HERE